Shirts And Collars.

SHIRTS AND COLLARS .

( From the " Keystone . " ) WRITTEN EXPRESSLY IN MY OWN BEHALF FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE OF THE OPPRESSED RACE USUALLY CALLED MAN . [ W E take this amusing skit from our excellent contemporary , to Avhom we are often indebted . —ED . ]

H AVE you ever had any trouble with your linen , dear reader 1 I say dear reader , after the style of religious writers , for Avho knows but that many otherwise pious men have been made to exclaim , " Darn the shirt and collar !" If ever man was afflicted Avith shirts

and collars , so that he Avould forget his own identity , and have to call on his mother-in-laAv to tell him his wife ' s maiden name , I am he ; yes , I am HE . Let me give you a few of my many experiences : I was once stopping at a hotel in

Richmond . Having arrived late on Saturday night , and being vary tired , I slept in my only shirt . I might here say that I had a half-dozen different sizes of collars Avith me , not knowing whether my neck would contract or expand in that warm climate . After a LIVELY night ' s rest ( I was amused most of the time Avith some kind of a bird that insisted on calling me

cousin ) I arose and prepared for breakfast Looking into the mivroi : before me , what a sight J I had forgotten to remove the tobacco from my mouth on retiring , consequentl y the bosom of my shirt presented a forlorn appearance . I

immediatel y rang the bell for a servant ; one appeared shortly . First asking him his name ( he called himself the late Judge Frisb y ) I said : " Can you buy me a shirt V " Oh , yes , Boss , get you a nice one for

five dollars . " Handing him the money , and telling him to hurry up , I Ayaited patiently for his return . He arrived shortly and said : "Boss , dis am de nicest shirt out , sure . No trouble to put it over de headbut

; buttons all down de side . " Putting it on , the Late Judge asked me if it was large enough . " Well , I should think it was . most ; I

didn t ask you to buy me a whole suit . Take this back and get me another . " He returned in a few minutes , saying the store was closed , and the boss had gone to church . I put the shirt on again , determined to do the best I could under the eireum stances .

Just at this moment , I noticed a stir among my collars , and a suppressed laugh of the late Judge , Avhom I kept in torture for a half-hour , breaking all his fingernails in trying to fasten the back button . Having accomplished this , I told him to button the front . NOAV , if you have never

heard a coloured judge deliver an ojunion , you ought to have been present . " Boss , this shirt am a cutaAvay , and the collars are six inches too short , sure I " My patience becoming , exhausted , I ordered him to sew tAvo of . the collars

together , and bring my breakfast to my room , determining not to be made fun of by the other guests ...... ; On my return home I sent . the shirt to a charitable institution , the matron of which , in acknowledging the donatidD , said she had made one dozen nice sheets

and a linen table-cloth ; out of it . . She thanked me kindly on behalf of the Board of Directors , and of the little children of the Institution . Being one of the proprietors of the Commercial List ( the only paper devoted to the commercial interests of

Philadelphia ) , I received as part of my dividend an order on a Gents' Furnishing Store , and with this I hastened to get measured for one-half-dozen shirts of the latest

style . When the shirts came home , my wife remarked , "Why did you get shirts with collars on them , when you knoiv you must have a clean collar each day 1 " " I did not order them so , my dear ; but guess this must be the new style . - I will wear

one to-day , and see how I like them . " My wife ( always wishing me to look nice ) said , "My dear , I would , but remember , do not spit on your bosom . " I had not proceeded far from the house , when the boys commenced to yell " Look

at that sport ! " " Jakey ! " "New York !" and such like expressions : and not wishing to be made sport of , I returned home to see what was the matter with the shirt . On examination , my wife found that the man