Killed By The Natives.

That late gallant officer of infantry , Colonel Sir John Falstaff , K . C . B . H ., —which honourable initials , we all know , indicate Knight Companion of the Boar's Head , —was , we are told , not only witty himself , but the cause of wit in others . I am sure I do not know whether oysters are wicked of themselves , and I am not acquainted with any method of diagnosing their ethical condition ; but I am quite confident that they are the cause of vice in others . Why do you not always connect them with supper-rooms , and larkish

medical students , and green satin , and the Haymarket , and police rows , and two in the morning ? In what light do Mr . Flowers and Mr . Vaughan contemplate the innocent mollusc , think you ? Do they regard the absorption of the delicacy as conducive to calm mental abstraction and holy meditation—as Mr . Ward does the consumption of his lentils and roots— -or do they associate it with knocker-wrenching , carmagnole dancing , police pummelling , green satin wrangling and shrieking , etc ., etc , etc . ? The oyster innocent

"Why didn't Mr . Dando—ha ! ha ! my reader , whose widening waistcoat proclaims you within the category whilom sung of by Mr . Thackerary ! Don't you remember Dando ? Talk of Peace as a hero ! No ! give me Dando—he was a hero if you like . This noble being flourished—on oysters—during the fourth and fifth decades of this century—or rather , to be more exact , during its eighth and ninth lustres . His appetite for natives was insatiable—his disinclination to pay for those he

consumedinsu-. perable . He preyed upon the shell-fish vendors of this great metropolis for ten years . He reduced to practice the great theory of permutation . As how ? Marry , thus wise . His modus operandi was as follows : —He would quietly enter an oyster shop , and order and consume dozen after dozen of the savoury morsels ; five dozen normally sufficed for

his modest lunch , but in frosty weather , and when the " bed " has been peculiarly rich in flavour , he has been known to absorb seven dozen . He would then coolly inform the appalled proprietor that he was absolutely impecunious , and kindly give him a lesson in law , in return for his repast , by imparting the information that the transaction constituted only a simple contract debt , to recover which the tribunals of his country , i . e ., the local courts of requests—there were no county courts in those clays—were open to him .

It is astonishing how much legal lore these rogues pick up . Why , I knew a practititioner—an irregular legal practitioner , let us say , inasmuch as he had no legitimate credentials—who could play upon the fiddle , and who , very adroitly , utilised the 25 George II ., cap . 36 , sec . 2 . This high-minded gentleman would enter a publichouse , previously ascertained to be without the protection conferred by that statute , and , while consuming his duly-paid-for beer , abstractedly improvise a theme upon his

instrument , to which he would incontinently stand up ancl dance . Having " taken the floor , " to his own contentment , and the satisfaction of Mr . and Mrs . Boniface and their family , the entertainer would take his leave with some commendatory remark on the quality of the liquor supplied and the wholesomeness of terpsichorean exercise , and —next day—sue the amazed host in a cpui tarn action for a hundred pounds penalty , payable to the informerfor permitting music and dancing on premises unlicensed for that

, purpose Of this kidney was the chivalrous Mr . Noah Claypole , in " Oliver Twist . " His lady , you will remember , was subject to be taken ill outside a public-house during " closed hours " on a Sunday morning , and her lord , who-had , for ber relief , procured horn the proprietor " three penn ' orth of brandy for the love of God , " improved the occasion in a similar manner to that above mentioned .

But this is a digression . Why , of course it is ! " Who deniges of it ? " and here I protest once for all that if I am not allowed to digress I can afford you but a very few ° i the illustrations , numerous and interesting , in support of the proposition which I am desirous of adducing . Vou know the Cy . Pres . doctrine of the Court of Chancery ? J ou don't ? Well , then , I will enlighten you . Roughly speaking , it means this : that u you can't do what want to do as near doing it If 't

you , go as you can . you cancarry ° ut the exact object , try and achieve one cognate with it . Well , oysters ancl villainy are cognate . Any instance derived from the one throws light upon the other— q . e . d . But how about Dando ' s application of the doctrine of permutation ? Well , I return j ° the subject of the history of that illustrious man . Return with rapture , for I love t 0 contemplate greatness i Jonathan Wild , the Duke of Wellington , Jemmy MaeLean