Clerical Blunders.

CLERICAL BLUNDERS .

A FAILING to which all extemporary speakers are liable , is that of word twisting , or aphasia , where brain and tongue do not work in concord , or as some people designate it , " putting the cart before the horse , " e . g ., "The sun shall not smite thee by night , nor the moon by day . " Another instance of this is contained in the story of a celebrated actor , who , in the mechanical recital of his lines , told the audience that he would not " lay surgery on his poll , " in place of " perjury on his soul . "

An Irish clergyman is reported to have said with the utmost feeling , " Sorrow may endure for a joy , but night cometh in thc morninff . "

A local preacher once gavo out the first line of Heber's missionary hymn thus : — " From Iceland's greasy mountains , " instead of " From Greenland ' s icy mountains . " Another absent-minded parson , who wished to impress upon his congregation that " we

should not bow the knee to an idol , " astonished them by saying that " we should not bow the eye to a needle , " while another , anxious to prove to his hearers the necessity of doing something , said , " If we cannot all beat the trumpet , we can , at least , blow the drum . "

A clerical gentleman once made this startling announcement : — " My brethren , we all know what ifc is to have a half-warmed fish " i . e ., half-formed wish— "in our hearts , " whilo one individual has been know to speak of " Kinquering congs , " instead of " conquering kings . " Ho must be a relative of the other clergyman , who gave out his text from the "Colostle to the Epissians . " A minister ,

whose subject was the " Good Samaritan , " exclaimed , " A certain man went down to Jericho . Ah , yesl he was a certain man . Would thafc we all , like him , were certain men—certain of the way we were going . " A clergyman once through rapid utterance , referred to the " duff and demb . " Seeing that he had made a mistake , he remarked— " My hearers will readily see that I intended to say " demb and duff . " Then ho gave it up as hopeless .

" The Rov . Mr . Imlack , of Murroes , " says the Rev . Paxton Hood in his book on Scottish characteristics , " was an able man , but a very absent-minded one , and once , in a public service of considerable importance , he spoke of all ranks and degrees of persons , ' from tho king on the dunghill to the beggar on the throne '; but , suspecting rather than perceiving the mistake , ho proceeded instantly to amend his error by saying , ' No , fny friends , 1 mean from the beggar on the throne , to the king on thc dunghill . '"

Spurgeon tells of a preacher who , in reading fche account of fche miraculous provision of food for the multitude , made the next clause read— " And they did eat 1 " On one occasion the verse " And tho prophet said to his sons , ' Saddle me the ass ; and they saddled him , ' " was read thus : —And the prophet said to his sons , ' Saddle me tho ass ; ' and they saddled him I "

"I beleive oor minister ' s in the habit o' gemblin , " said one Scotchman to another , "last Sabbath ho said in his prayer , ' 0 Thou , who hast the king of hearts in Thy hands , ' instead of' 0 Thou who hast the heart of kings in Thy hands . '" The reply of his friend was , " Ifc looks bad , wo maun seen what the Session say aboofc ifc . "

A parish priest once made a humorous and unthinking oration at a christening . Taking thc infant in his arms , he thus addressed thc bye-standers : " My friends , there is no knowing what glorious destiny may bo in store for this child . I hope , and judging from his countenance I believe that he will live to be an honour to his country , and to his parents . He may , for anything that I know to

the contrary , grow up to be an admiral in the army , or general in the navy I He may be a judge upon the bench ! Who knows but he may one day be Lord Mayor of Dublin , or even—when we get our rights—King of Ireland I" Then turning to the nurse , "Biddy , " said he , " what is this child ' s name going to be ?"" Mary Anno plazo your reverence , " answered Biddy , and a hearty laugh went round .

An old couple once presented themselves before the Rev . Mr . Wameford , of York , to be married . He began the marriage service with , "I am the Resurrection and the Life ! " " Stop , sir , " interrupted the bridegroom , " we have come to be married !" " Umph I " growled the vicar , " you aie much fitter to be buried I " A clergyman in Pittsburg married a lady with whom he received

the substantial dowry of ten thousand dollars , and a fair prospect of more . Soon afterwards , while oecupying the pulpit , he gave out a hymn , read the first four stanzas , and was reading the fifth : — " For ever let my grateful heart His boundless grace adore , "

when he hesitated , and exclaimed , "Ahem ! tho choir will omit the fifth verse , " and sat down . Tho congregation , attracted by his apparent confusion , read the remaining lines : — " Which gives ten thousand blessings now , And bids me hope for more . "

I have often met with instances where an individual , through confusion of ideas or of sound , was utterly unable to express himself correctly , and each attempt to do so only increased his difficulty . In ordinary circumstances of life , this failing is simply laughed at and forgotten , as in the case of a woman who , in her admiration of two bears which were being exhibited at the Zoological Gardens

Manchester , exclaimed to a conpanion , in a burst of rapture , " Oh I Mrs . D— , what beautiful coats those bears have ; wouldn't they make nice sealskin jackets ? " But the mental transpositions of a certain worthy divine , although laughable , were extremely unfortunate , and attended by more serious results . Upon one occasion , the cleric referred to being very nervous , gave out to his congregation what should have been the following hymn : —

" This world is all a fleeting show . " He however rendered it , " This world is all a sheeting flow , " which caused a smile on thc part of his listeners , and only increased the preacher ' s confusion ; he commenced again— "This world is all a

Clerical Blunders.

shouting flow , " which only made matters worse . Again he essayed fco correct himself , and with desperation said , —" This world is all a floating she . " Then he slammed the hymn-book down , and after a vigorous application of his handkerchief to his perspiring forehead

remarked— " Brethren , for some reason I cannot read the hymn as it oughfc to be read ; we will therefore omit it , and tho choir will please sing the grand old lines beginning— "Just as I am without one flea . "

In good old times , when hymn-books were scarce , ifc was fcho custom in many of the Dissenting churches for the clerk to read out a line or couplet of a hymn , so that those who wero without books might unite in the singing . There is tho well-known story

told of the minister of a Methodist chapel , who , having left his spectacles afc home on one occasion , intended to announce to his congregation that the singing would bo dispensed with . Ho arose and said : —

"My eyes are dim , I cannot seo ; " and immediately fche choristers commenced singing tho words to the tune of the " Old Hundredth . " Surprise and mortification rendered him almost breathless ; but he made an effort fco stammer out : —

" I meant bufc an apology . " This line was taken up by tho congregation in tho same manner , when the dominie , becoming excited , exclaimed : —

" Forbear I pray , my eyes are dim . " But remonstrance was vain ; the singers went on till , in accents of despair , ho again cried out : — " I do not mean to read a hymn , " a declaration so palpable , that it silenced fcho vociferous singers . " Book of Rarities , " by Bro . Edward Roberts P . M . Asst . Prov . G . T .

New Masonic Works.

NEW MASONIC WORKS .

1 . A History of the " Fidelity " Lodgo , No . 289 , Leeds , is just ready for circulation . It is written by Bros . Scarth and Braun , and to subscribers is half a guinea per copy , bufc is likely fco bo considerably raised in price on publication , as the size is much increased since its issue was originally contemplated . Tho work will include a mass of information , besides the portion devoted to No . 289 , and I feel assured will be a mosfc welcome volume .

2 . Bro . Alexander Howell ' s History of the " Phcenix " Lodge , No . 257 , Portsmouth is now in the binder ' s hands . The volume is an enormous Book , wifch fine illustrations and splendidly got up . Tho Work includes many most interesting particulars of the old Chapter ( original No . 3 ) and the ancient Encampment of Knights Templars from 1791 . In several respects this magnificent tome is most important , for

it concerns the Royal Arch from 1769 and contains reproductions of old minutes of the Mark and Royal Arch from that year . This is years older for the Mark than traced before , and doubtless their not being known until now is due to the minute Book being in cypher . Bro . Thomas Dunkerley worked the Mark Degree in 1769 at Portsmouth , and the K . T . is also referred to in fche Records earlier than any others traced in this Country .

The Subscription price is one guinea , in quarto size , bufc in the largo paper edition it is three guineas ; the latter being a most sumptuous book . Copies may be had from the Author , 109 High Street , Portsmouth . 3 . " The York MSS . " are being edited by Bros . T . B . Whytehead and Joseph Todd , two most competent Craftsmen for thafc

duty , and Bro . M . C . Peck , of Hull ( Market Place ) , is the efficient Printer and Publisher . The work will give all the five copies of thc " Old Charges " domiciled in tho York Lodge , No . 236 , and also the " Scarborough MS . " with facsimile of portions . This will be a capital publication , valuable and interesting , and most accurate withal . The prico of issue will be 5 s .

4 . Bro . William Dixon is preparing a History of all the Lincolnshire Lodges , and will make a most attractive volume . Ho is most zealous and ablo for tho duty , and possibly may publish the work at 3 s 6 d nett . His address is St . James' Terrace , Lincoln . I have written an Introduction for Nos . 2 , 3 and 4 , and hope to get out a 2 nd edition of my " Old Charges " before this year ends . W . J . HUGHAN .

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