The Humours Of Advertising.

THE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING .

A FEW weeks ago , a novelty was introduced into the west-end streets of London , which took the form of the " sandwich girl . " One of fche band appeared in costume at Marlborough Street , having been summoned for causing an obstruction in Regent Street . She was dressed in a long red gown , and wore on her head a white pointed clown ' s cap . In her hand , suspended by a string , was a large label ,

" Eaten by the Queen . " A constable explained that on the afternoon of 11 th January he saw defendant leading several other ' ' sandwich girls" along the kerb , delivering bills , and requested her to go into the carriage-way , which she refused to do . Cross-examined by Blr . Bernard Abrahams : — " A person did complain of the obstruction . The girls were carrying a picture of the Queen , in ber donkey-chaise , eating one of the biscuits which were being advertised by them . He did not take a biscuit ; he took the girl ' s name and address instead " ( laughter ) .

The magistrate having been told that this girl got upon the pavement simply to avoid the traffic , said the lot of such girls could not be very happy , liable as they were to be run against by the carriages . Defendant must take care after the caution he would now give her . She must pay a fine of 5 s , and 2 s costs .

Devices of advertisers , almost from the moment when advertisements came generally into fashion , and the expedients which they have adopted to bring their wares and various qualifications into prominence , would more than represent the two types of fabulous mythology , Briareus with a hundred arms , and a Hydra with a hundred heads . If we could only believe , and rationally swallow the pabulum which is ostentatiously placed before us every day of our lives , we must come to the conclusion that there ought to be no

more sickness upon this earth , for where is the single ailment the human frame is liable to which has not its instantaneous and infallible panacea , or where is the abuse which can be specialised that is incapable of remedy ? From White ' s " Blacking , " to Candle ' s " Soothing Syrup , " and Fooler's " Pills " there may be a wide transition , but the fact stares you in the face at every morning sederunt when you lay hold of your favourite newspaper .

The bachelor who is living alone in a miserable sheol , is offered a veritable paradise if he will only be ruled by the matrimonial agencies * , the thin man , forced to dine on the unhealthy jegritudinary attempts of a boarding-house cook , is promised a profile as capacious as that of Daniel Lambert ; while he , who , like Goldsmith's pawnbroker ' s widow is a little in flesh , is assured that he may easily rid himself of abnormal distention if be will only take Dr . Banting's advice , forwarded posfc free for twelve stamps .

Of all the forms of construction to which a language is capable , that adopted by fche advertiser is the most variable , ambiguous , and amusing , and from this wide field I shall endeavour to gather a few humorous and characteristic examples .

According to the " Wolverhampton Express , " 27 th August 1897 , " the most recent discovery at Herculaneum quite dissipates the error that advertising is a modern invention . A column has been found in the streets of that buried city very closely resembling the structure to be seen on the boulevards of Paris , and known as Les Colonnes Morris . Upon its surface layers of advertisements , stuck one on the top of another , have been preserved

for nearly 2 , 000 years under a layer of lava and scons . The sheets , presumably of papyrus , were separated by judicious treatment , and enough of the inscriptions could be deciphered to reveal that they related to theatrical performances , public meetings , and electoral addresses . Moreover , science declares that the substance used in place of our vulgar paste was pure gum arabic . "

It may be known to fche reader that the British Museum possesses a collection of old Greek advertisements printed on leaden plates . Papyrus leaves over 3 , 000 years old have been found at Thebes , describing runaway slaves and offering a reward for their capture ; and at Pompeii ancient advertisements have been deciphered on the walls . Although not actually the oldest which it is possible to adduce in this country , yet the following copy of an advestisement which appeared in the " Blercurius Elencticus " ( No . 45 ) 4 th October 1648 , may be considered as probably one of tho oldest on record * : —

" Tho Reader is desired to peruse A Sermon , Entituled A Looking-glasse for Levellers , Preached at St . Peter's , Paul ' s Wharf , on Sunday , Sept . 24 , 1648 , by Pavl Knell , Mr . of Arts . Another Tract called A Reflex upon our Reformers , with a Prayer for the Parliament . "

A writer in the " Gentlewoman " says : " the other day I happened to be passing down Oxford Street , and on a tray of match-boxes was a card with fche following linos : — ' Ob , Lucifer , Lucifer , how art thou fallen I only one halfpenny a box . ' Years ago , somewhere in the same vicinity , on Derby Day , a crowd of people mighfc have been seen gathered before a closed shop , on the shutters of which were placards announcing that ¦ ' All work and no play , makes Jack a dull boy . Gone fco the races . Back again to-morrow . Tea cheaper than ever . ' "

The following appeared in the " Times " ( about 1850 ) , — " Wanted a man and his wife to look after a horse and dairy with a religious turn of mind , without any incumbrance . " Another curious " want " in the same paper read thus : — " Two sisters want washing . " That by a shoemaker was equally as lucid : — " Ladies wishing cheap shoes will do well to call soon . They won't last long . "

The " Daily Telegraph" ( June 1890 ) published a list of "Found dogs in possession of the police at Portland Town Station , " which included one small Blanchester terrier , two French and Russian poodles and a bay cob , fourteen hands , two inches ; age six years ; star on forehead ; sound . The announcement further says : — " Persons having lost dogs of above description are requested to call at Portland Town Station , where they are on view at any time . " A theatrical paper , after announcing a forthcoming benefit performance

The Humours Of Advertising.

concludes : — " Of course every one will be there , " and for fche edification of those who are absent , a full report will be found in our next paper . " One advertiser informs the public that he has succeeded fco a certain business , and that he has for sale or hire "Donkeys like his father . " In an advertisement by a railway compahj' of some uncalled-for goods , the letter " 1 " had by an accident been dropped from the word " lawful , " and the announcement read : — "People to whom these package * are directed , are

requested to come forward and pay the awful charges on the same . A Manchester paper informs us that " A foreign gentleman could be received into the house of a gentleman who is desirous to learn English conversationally , and would have all home comforts . " Anoth' -r says : — "A vacancy occurs for a little girl in the family of a motherly lady requiring kind but firm treatment . " A spinster advertises that she " wishes for two or three children , having none of her own . "

The description of a church bazaar is enhanced by the fact that " the visitor ' s eye will be struck on entering the room with a porcelain umbrella , " an advertisement upon which too literal an interpretation must not be placed . A country journal announced : — " Our new school-house which was burnt last week , was large enough to accommodate 300 pupils four storeys high . The school-house will be rebuilt by a brother of the former architect , who died last summer on a new and improved plan . " Another advertisement ,

inserted in the interest of a schoolgirl read : — " Wanted a horse , for a young lady of a dark brown colour , a good trotter , a high stepper , and having a long tail . " The advertiser who required " a house suitable for a small family that has been recently papered and painted , and is in good order , " mighfc have been satisfied with the following , viz .: — " a house for a family in good repair . " "Punch , " in referring to the latter "to let , " suggested that a family in good repair must mean one in which none of the members were cracked .

Two druggists are responsible for the following . The first one in his recommendation of a patent medicine adds , " Try one box—no other medicine will ever after be taken , " while the second says he is advertising for " a competent person fco undertake the sale of some newly-imporfced drugs , " and this is how he concludes : — " It will be very profitable to the undertaker . " A chemist advertises in his window , " Artificial eyes , " immediately beneath which , on the same placard , are the words , " Open all night . "

Who has not seen the following ? " Blr . and Mrs . have left off clothing of every description ; inspection of the public is invited , * ' or " Piano for sale by a lady about to cross the sea in a wooden box with iron handles ; guaranteed to be in correct tone . " The following was , some thirty years ago , the subject of a humorous article in the " Saturday Review" : — " To be sold ,

an Erard grand piano , the property of a lady , about to travel in a walnut ease with carved legs . " A writer says : — " Different commodities we know are often enclosed in one case , but it is seldom that we see so incongruous a mixture as that contemplated by the person who wanted " an ice chest to hold two hundred pounds of ice and a new harness . "

An advertisement appeared some few years ago as follows : — " Wanted a boy to open oysters with a reference , " while another , which extolled the virtues of an infant ' s feeding bottle ended thus : — " When the baby has done drinking , ifc must be unscrewed , and laid in a cool place , say under a tap . " We are all familiar with the different varieties of jewellery for sale which

include a " splendid lady ' s gold watch , " an " excellent lady's ditto , " a " small gold-faced lady ' s ditto , " and we sometimes come across a " beautiful lady ' s umbrella , " or a " black highly ornamented lady ' s fan . " We have also for sale , a " massive gentleman ' s gold chain , " and a " most reliable gentleman's gold watch , " which sometimes takes the variant , a " rich gentleman ' s gold chain . "

An Irish paper once contained an announcement that a Dublin spirit merchant had " still on hand a small quantity of the whisky which was drunk by George IV . when in Dublin " ; while another dealer in the vinous commodity introduced himself to the public as follows : — " The advertiser , having made an advantageous purchase , offers for sale , on very low terms , about six dozen of prime port wine , lately the property of a gentleman forty years of age , full in the body , and with a high bouquet . " A Dublin paper of

29 th August 1805 , advertises as follows : — " Notice is hereby given that the fox cover of Turnant is poisoned for the preservation of the game . " These are also copied from Irish papeis : — " One pound reward . Lost a cameo brooch , representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road , about ten o ' clock on Tuesday evening . " " To be sold cheap , a splendid gray horse , calculated for a charger , or would carry a lady with a switch tail . " " To be sold cheap , a mail phaeton , the property of a gentleman with a movable head , as good as new . "

The proclamation of an Irish mayor , copied from a newspaper , was to the efiecfc that certain business was to be transacted in a particular city , " every Bfonday ( Easter Sunday only excepted ) . " It is said that the above is not an inadvertency , but is deliberately copied from a precedent , set in England by a baronet formerly well-known in Parliament , who , in the preamble to a bill , proposed that certain regulations should take place " on every Monday ( Tuesday excepted ) . "

Some years ago the mayor of a capital English city published a proclamation and advertisement , previous to the races , announcing that " no gentleman will be allowed to ride on the course , but the horses that are to run . " ( To be continued . ) " Book of Rarities , " by Bro . Edward Roberts P . M .

Ye Olde Friends.

YE OLDE FRIENDS .

UNDER this quaint title a number of gentlemen connected with the large firm of Blessrs . Spiers and Pond , Limited , have for fche last five years been doing good by stealth , and , though they do not exactly blush to find it known , are anxious to further extend their operations for the relief of the poor and distressed . The sixth annual smoking concert was given at the Freemasons' Tavern , Great Queen Street , W . C , on Friday of last week , when

Mr . T . Bf . Browning occupied thc chair , and gave some interesting details as to the working of fche " Friends " among the poor people of their district . It would appear that somo 350 children were entertained about three weeks ago at Walworth , when the very poorest were invited—some came with their parent ' s boots or shoes , and some without any , but all enjoyed themselves thoroughly , and poured blessings on the " Old Friends . " Surely a worthy cause to assist .

Blr . C . James proposed the health of Blr . Browning , and said that it was greatly owing to his energy and influence that such great success was attained , and , needless to say , the toast was drunk with enthusiasm , accompanied with musical honours .